Danish mother, Italian Father, British passport, living in Prague. Okay, so I admit it. I have absolutely no excuse. I should be multilingual by now.

Alas, it might be time to face the fact…‘I don’t do foreign languages’

I have been coming to CZ on and off for years and when I finally moved here last Summer, like a mad, crazy fool I resolved to fight my natural shortcomings and LEARN Czech. After all, an intensive course is only 49hours, which doesn’t sound so bad. If I started Monday, gave up sleeping and eating and read my textbooks on the toilet, I’d be fluent by Wednesday.

Lessons aren’t crazy expensive either.

Suddenly it all seemed possible. I had moments of fantasy where I’d imagine myself chatting fluently with friends over a beer or idly ranting at the little old lady while she drove me crazy in the Post Office, (more of Post Office madness in another blog).

But sooner or later reality always catches you up. ‘I don’t do foreign languages’

Now… after some painful self-criticism, I dawned on me, maybe, just maybe, it’s not entirely my fault.

Take for instance the other day. I proudly dropped into conversation one of the few Czech words I actually remember: Marcipan. It’s really similar to English so no need to fumble about with an odd combination of sounds or twist my tongue around an avalanche of accents. I’m on safe ground with this one. Or so I thought. I opened my mouth and said… Marcipan.

Now I reckon I’m a passable mimic. To me it was like a digital recording of what I had heard a native say. The purest of echoes, surely there was no doubting what I meant… however, the Czech listening pulled a blank expression and replied: ‘What?’

I tried again. Another a perfect reproduction of this alien tongue, and again a confused look is all I got back. I repeated the damn word over and over for ten minutes but still nothing. Then finally I said it in English. Marzipan and suddenly the light of recognition goes on.

‘Oh you mean Marcipán’

It’s an accent! One lousy accent! It sounds identical. Well almost. Surely almost is enough?

But no… apparently if it’s wrong it’s wrong and that’s the end of it.

Problem with this episode is I’m now left red faced and ashamed at my total lack of linguistic ability, and believe every Czech I talk to is surely thinking. ‘Aw, isn’t it cute he speaks like a child’…

But I’m a writer for goodness sake. I make my living from words. I don’t want to talk like a child… most of the time anyway. Truly I would love to learn Czech. Unfortunately it now seems having it downloaded straight into my brain like on the Matrix might be the only way it will ever happen…

Czech is just too unforgiving and I am just too damn lazy… which may well be an impossible combination. If only I could find a USB plug that fits in my ear!!