As Chairman and Lead Shaker of the Czech Immigrants Party (the CIP, which we pronounce as "chip," btw), it's my fiduciary and solemn duty to submit to the Czech Republic's electorate a regular series of updates on our latest moves and shakes.

Kindly permit me to take up a few moments of your afternoon as I share with you some of the newest developments over at the organization:

** This past Monday marked our second official meeting: Two new positions were created around the Becherovka-glass, smoke-infested table; that of Deputy Chair (actually a wonderful woman from Arab Palestine) and Treasurer (a young Vietnamese bloke who spent his salad days at Brno's Technical University building Vietnamese People's Republic A-bombs as part of the Communist "Friendship" of yesteryear). I duly signed the Ratification Draft, and we then e-filed them away in a laptop we've recently purchased exclusively for this purpose. Well, not exactly...I just bought a new C: drive for the clunking beast, but it's the same difference, actually.

** During Saturday night last, I did a swing through the Vaclavak: I attempted to canvass as much support for the CIP from the various sex club workers hailing from Africa as I could. Many of them thought I was a total wildman; when I shoved my microphone and CIP's petition under their noses, most of 'em ran away (talk about viral marketing, baby!). Though I couldn't understand why...I'm hot as hell and I use aftershave, and I made sure to hit the streets with a hot Czech female specimen with large (likely fake) breasts to bait them, so what gives?

** I'm presently closely collaborating with a geek from Prague 4 -- also a CIP member, and please don't tell him I said so -- to design our website: During Monday's meeting, we had a randy debate about whether to refer to the CIP by its English moniker on all official correspondence, or in Czech translation. It was decided by the membership that since most of our members aren't Czech native speakers -- save for CIP's dozen Vietnamese Comrades -- we'll be using English as our primary means of intra-party communication and for all interviews with the Czech and EU press corps. While our sites and collateral will be for the most part bilingual (or quadralingual, by having Ukrainian and Vietnamese links off our homepage), we'll stick to the International Language of Business as part of our day-to-day activities. We've adapted to the SMK's (Strana Madarskej Koalicie) model over in Fascist Slovakia, and that of the Democratic Union of Hungarians in Romania, who's attempting to wrest Harghita and Covasna away from the Romanian Republic in a rightful claim of ethnic autonomy, like in Kosova. Our aim is exclusively agitation-propaganda at the outset. First, we must disturb, upset, and unsettle the Czech fatcats lolling their lazy, pacifist, passive-aggressive, and unsympathetic behinds over in Mala Strana, thanks to our hard-earned tax crowns.

** We've recently purchased various production equipment -- a hi-definition video camera, two more recording devices: That's right, the same ones I use to record my Amazing Splendid Thought of the Day -- plus some editing software that we'll use as part of our Web2.0 effort to get word out about the CIP. Not only do we have an agenda to put across, but we'll also innovate the political space as we show -- especially to younger Czechs -- that citizens' destinies aren't cursed, that young Czechs' parents aren't those dictating the overall score, and that a work and life future in the Czech Republic isn't a doppelganger for taking a straight razor to your virgin wrists and swiftly dispatching yourself in a bloody pool of human refuse.

** And lastly, in the 21st-century, charisma and looks play a very strong role in influencing the electorate: Taking a page out of Joerg Haider's, Hugo Chavez's, Ernesto "El Che" Guevarra's, and Vladimir Putin's political playbook, the gang and I have been workshopping various "new looks" for Yours Truly as we carry on with the media campaign rollout. We've been using some wicked-ass profiling software -- the kind of stuff they use for ID-ing "perps'" mugshots at police stations (yes, unlike most wage-earning, bitching types, I've got inside connections at the Czech Police Praesidium) -- to see how I "look" with different facial hair growths and hairstyles. I want to find the best one which arouses the most anger on the part of the locals, the one which highlights my "otherness." It's high time this infectious prejudicial pathology for anything other than long-nosed, unsmiling, blue-eyed, peroxided blonde hair, rude, drunk, dope-smoking, English-ignorant, shark-tailed do'ed looks comes to a swift end. We shall provoke Czechs into rendering their honest opinions about our presence in the wannabe democracy, thereby proving to Brussels and the rest of the CR's EU confreres that Cesko does not deserve the right to be entirely sovereign, at least in terms of its foreign policy interests.

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Thank you for your time today.

And don't forget, VOTE CZECH IMMIGRANTS!

--ADM

ps please don't forget to Czech out my Amazing Splendid Thoughts, every single day! Don't miss a single episode, only 2.5 minutes long! You can even RSS it.