Radar bases, presidential hip-socket operations, the auditing of that Vsetin bigot's finances, demonstrations in the Wenceslas Square without a single video posted to YouTube in the English language so the rest of the world can chime in, and the Social Democrat (CSSD) Party's head honcho doing cloak and dagger deals with the Secret Middle Eastern Power accompanied by his Slovak mistress (who steps over dead bodies to get ahead and whose nation loves Israelis and Palestinians) down in the Holy Land...

Ano, what you're needing right around now is a quick review of the Summer Congress of the Czech Immigrants Party (CIP, pronounced "chip," for short). CIP Comrades travelled from far and wide across our great glorious republic to Prague during Monday to Wednesday of this past week to collaborate and plot.

For those who don't know, there are -- count 'em! -- 4 independent seats up for grabs smack in the centre of the Chamber of Deputies floor -- if you haven't seen its schematics (black is the colour) -- and we aim to capture at least one of these (2 projected) with heapful luck and much neo-Trotskyist backroom horse-trading -- a la ODS (the Civic "Democrats" in the Czech Republic, for all of our foreign readers not familiar with our ex-Communist parliamentarians.

So, s potesenim -- with pleasure -- I present the minutes from last night's session for all and sundry.

1) We'll be fielding several candidates in smaller Bohemian, Moravian, and Silesian locales. Our initial slate has us going head to head against the Established Party fatcats in Beroun, Rokycany, Plzen (aka Pilsen), Hradec Kralove, and Mikulov (aka Nikolsburg). We've chosen these various hamlets and villages for very specific reasons. In Rokycany, to wit, we want a CIP spokesperson closer to Brdy (aka Birdie), whereby we have closer access to the radar installation so we can coordinate flashmob demonstrations in support of the radar base with greater effectiveness and speed. In Hradec, on the other hand, some of our Thai hopefuls presently employed in a variety of agricultural functions in the loam soil farming district have established strong ties to local Bohemian organic farmers and rural types and wish to capitalize upon this ongoing connection, their good work in the field proof positive of their loyalty to the local electorate. We were also considering Vsetin...but we ran out of our stock of shoe polish and none of our African Comrades wanted to make the trip east...whereby they'd be that much closer to Slovakia, and we all know how much Slovaks love "the other" (especially now that they'll be hailing in the euro...more opportunity for fugees from the rest of the planet to take advantage of the Slovakian economy).

2) Several American Comrades holding Czech citizenship or permanent residency in the CR will be heading the CIP's List. The reason for this stroke of genius is rather simple: we're trying to forward the theory that between the Americans or the Russians (since there isn't an "independent" nor legitimate truly "Czech" option, don't we know it Condi?), the CIP will be campaigning hardcore for the Americans. Okay, okay, we know they're both imperialistic, those Ruskies and Yanks. We know the Americans are indeed up to something they're not letting us onto with the base action, but it doesn't matter -- America gives! Ever had a look at Russian "civil society groups?" Crikey! A nation which doesn't care a jot about its poorest citizens and unfortunates. A nation which doesn't dole out a single kopek in foreign aid, internationally, and a country with a terrible PR track record, especially lately with the radioactive wet job on Litvinov in the British capital, the swift rise of Tsar Putin, and this bluster about hitting Cesko hard with retaliatory moves against MD = Missile Defence. CIP's Americans will be able to forward our agenda with more convincing authority.

3) Mixed race Comrades will be featuring in Czech and English language YouTube clips plus doing interviews for Czech radio and with prominent Czech radio personalities in both languages. The message we're trying to put across here is thus: mixed-race Czech citizens, for example those with, say, one African parent and one Czech parent and who speak Czech as their lingua franca, are out there, live in your society, and they have a right to opine on the issues affecting day-to-day Czech life. They're not "accidents." They're not "sellout kids." They're not "Jungle Fever" babies. And their certainly *not* the progeny of so-called illicit relationships between "betraying" Czech girls who have gone outside the Czech Tribe to wed or procreate or have fun. And if I go to Liberec one more time and hear some blue-collar Communist at the bus station ask my friend why "...his teeth are so white while his skin is so black," I'm going to pull a Jan Palach and go all Jesuit on him. But the upshot is rather than sheepishly accept the sordid policies of our ex-Normalization era Communists over in Parliament, we'll rather stand up in Parliament -- a la '68 in France and Germany -- make a g.oddamn ruckus on the Legislature's floor -- of course dressed in jeans and all manner of other cheesy scrubs -- and filibuster against the scandalous practices which pass for parliamentary democracy in the the Czech Chamber of Deputies and the Senate. Politicians...you have been forewarned.

4) English as the CR's official second language. Czech citizens are masterful at languages, given that their vernacular only affords them the ability to converse with -- at most -- say, 20 million people on the planet (i.e. Czechs, Slovaks, Czechoslovak exiles, former First Republican Czechs with a major axe to grind, former German Czechoslovak citizens, bearded, Bible-thumping Poles, Czech-Poles, Czech-Slovaks, Slovak-Poles, Polish-Slovaks, Slovak-Czechs, Ukrainians, Roma, etc.). Since we're all speaking English to each other, not to mention how the Czech language itself bears increasingly little resemblance to the florid cestina you would once hear from the saintly lips of, say, the recorded "transcripts" (since they were doctored anyways) from Milada Horakova's show trial, a motion passed last night over the smoky and alcohol-infested table that English should become the republic's second official tongue.

5) Pie-throwing as a legal means of protest in the Czech Republic against wayward MPs and Senators. Green Party Foreign Minister Schwarzenberg on Tuesday waded out into the demonstrating crowd in front of Prague's Cernin Palace (the Czech Foreign Ministry Bat Cave) and the tomato toss was actually pretty limp-wristed (if you ask me, the former Stb -- Czech Security Police under Communism -- bodyguard did a completely amateur protection job). In other words, it was just a rotten tomato. But imagine if someone came up to Schwarzenberg and squished a soft cream pie in his face? Now that would be an effective means of expressing your citizen's displeasure with the signing of the radar base long-term restrictive pact without even asking a single Czech citizen in advance nor holding a referendum on the issue since a country like Denmark can hold two national referenda on whether to accept the eurocurrency and other insignificant issues for their 5 million-strong population. Ten million of us and our affected neighbours (think the Temelin nuclear power plant here, babies!) don't get a chance to offer up our opinion to our "elected leaders." Oh, and just to remind you: the CIP is PRO Radar Base. But we are AGAINST Franco-ist, Husak-ian, Brezhnev-ian strongarm tactics.

In short, the other things were discussed were:

** do we make public some of our surreptitious backroom dealings to recruit Education Minister Ondrej Liska away from Bursik's Greens over to our side?
** full severance of diplomatic ties with Slovakia as a retroactive sanction for their hasty 1993 exit from the Federal Czechoslovak Republic (1989-1993, Rest In Peace) and for betraying their Older, Stronger Brother for taking on the euro before us. (NOTE: The CIP doesn't have any Slovak Comrades in our ranks -- even Benedict Arnolds like Petra Kovacova and other grave-digging Czech-Slovak females).
** a proposal for a Czech exit from the European Union and creating a "heaven on earth" Middle European Switzerland.
** a succession plan in case one of the ODS', CSSD's, or President Klaus' loyal minions decides to, ahem...relieve me, as CIP's Head, from active political activity.
** reintroduction of public drinking in Prague's squares...since this is what tourists come here for anyways, and is a great hard currency draw.

And much, much more...

VOTE CZECH IMMIGRANTS in November of this year!