Alas, ‘tis a well know fact, ask any UK commuter…The British public transport system sucks. Crappy rail platforms, derelict bus stops, demilitarized underground stations.

Our trains all too often run late, as if the very fabric of Space Time continuum might fail should they contrive to turn up as per schedule. When they finally do show, us passengers are forced onto carriages sardines might find snug, full of fellow travellers who insist on introducing their armpits to your face. Armpits which I guarantee haven’t seen soap or deodorant in days. And why are they always at perfect nose height?

The Buses are no better. There’s a saying that you can wait hours for one, then three turn up at once. Which I’m sorry, just doesn’t happen to me. And on the rare occasion there is a bus, without fail, it won’t be going my direction.

A few places do boast a tram system but seriously, they’re hardly worth the title, ticket prices are crazy, routes Spartan and totally inconvenient. Of course there’s a famous underground network in London, as well as a few other cities, which I concede can be useful but if that’s the sum total of British achievement in public transport, quite frankly I’m ashamed.

Czech Republic, principally Prague, on the other hand, now that’s a different story.

It’s official. I love it…

Timetables actually mean something, not the work of fiction they are in UK. You can wait at a stop and give or take a minute, stone me … your transport actually turns up when it’s supposed to!

Trains aren’t luxurious but hey next to what I’m used to shelling out they’re ridiculously cheap. Buses here are clean and regular. Not only in town, on longer journeys too.

But for me, the absolute jewel in this transport crown has to be… Trams.

I don’t have a car any more, but please, who needs one!!? A tram will get me just about anywhere I want to go, I’m not forced to endure mind numbing lines of traffic and have practically forgotten the pain of searching for a place to park.

In fact there is only one fly in this otherwise perfect ointment. I’m really not a fan of the new Porche design…

Maybe it’s the way the passengers are laid out or lack of that romantic rattle I find off putting but my suspicion is it’s because they simply don’t feature my all time favourite thing about Czech trams… the heated seat!

I recall the first time I discovered this decadent pleasure. To begin with I figured my chair had recently been vacated by an exceedingly hot arse but soon the toasty pleasure of having my rump gently warmed began to sink in.

The little air blowers at the sides defrost my frozen fingers and the simple plastic scoop cradled as it delivered an all over roasting… you have to pay a lot of money to get this kind of extra on a new BMW. When the chill wind blows I know there’ll always be a warm welcome for me on those old style trams.

I have oft considered simply never getting off. Staying seated, while my bum cheeks gently broil on endless circuits of Prague. My only fear that a little old lady on crutches might get aboard and no one offers her their seat so I’m forced to stand into the cold. (At least my mum would be pleased she brought her son up properly).

Even the fact they’re a popular hang out for the less than floral homeless folk or on occasion they can become so hot you risk first degree burns is not enough to put me off…

It is truly a wondrous thing. So to all those hardworking souls in the Czech Transport industry… You are everything the British system ought should to be, congratulations… my glowing behind salutes you.