Disturbing developments are afoot in our Golden Village of late, if you haven't noticed, and it's the unwanted infiltration of Americanisms into our ancestral, holy tongue. Czech is being irreversibly polluted with each passing minute by the most colossal of Esperanto-esque pressures to simplify and dummy-down our vernacular. I, for one, resent this. I am now on heightened alert.

Something tells me during the Old Time -- especially during the former Czechoslovakia's "love-in" with Mother Russia during the Ferocious Fifties -- Praguers didn't import Russianisms into our lingo, shouting "blyat" and "subaka" at each other in drunken reveries at Czech pubs, now did they?

Have a squizz at this snippet of conversation I snagged at a downtown restaurant last night:

Man: "Ahojky Vlad'ko, jak se fucking mas mamasita?"
Woman: "Mela sem hroznej den, ver mi, papasito."
Man: "Bylo tak shitty, jo? Kromne tomu rekni mi co se deje?"
Woman: "Whateva'...nechci kamo. Mam velky hlad, musim ihned neco jist."

(For my non-Czech readers:

Man: "Hi Vladko, how the fuck are you, mamasita?"
Woman: "You won't believe what a terrible day I had, papasito."
Man: "That shitty, huh? Other than that what's happening?"
Woman: "Whateva'...I don't want to, bubs. Anyways, I'm famished. Let's eat!")


and so on, and so forth.

Yes, the man was clearly effeminate and likely even a pants-chaser, yet that's not the point.

What you can however clearly witness by the supplied example is that our Holy Czech Tongue is being bastardized by the infiltration of Americanisms and other nonsensical expressions into our rigid Teuton-inspired 7-case grammatical structure, Praise Be.

Where on G.od's Green Earth are we living, moje pratele? In Spanish Harlem?

I'm reminded of that forth clip from Drawn By Pain a series I recently completed where the episode's Antagonist -- quite clearly a Hispanic American -- was taunting our hero, Emily Waters, in Spanglish, of all languages. Normally, I find Spanglish cute, in a maudlin sort of way, yet now that I can see how American-inflected English been corrupting our Czech Linguistic Purity, I ceased being one of Spanglish's strident fans. (I know, J-Lo baby, I still adore your rubenesque doopa, but "America" is killing our holy ancient Czech culture, our precious legacy and ethnic purity, and leading our young XX/XY Czech Chromosomal Units into no uncertain linguistic ruin).

So what's the Remedy? 3 suggestions for you...

1) Every time you hear a young Czech (male/female, since it hardly matters) slapdashing "Americanisms" and other linguistic shortcuts into daily Czech parlance, mosey on over to that soul and declare your extreme displeasure with the mongrelizing of our Ancient Speech. Explain in measured, rational tones -- without a scintilla of violence -- how the continued adherence to grammatical faux-pas and other spoken gaffes in our Tongue with eventually water down our uniqueness in Europe, fulfilling that doomsday scenario, as our Esteemed Econcomics Doctor up on the Castle Promontory is wont to say, that "Czechs will be dissolved like a spoonful of sugar in the European cup of espresso" if the EU is permitted to roam free in our country.

2) Lobby the Czech Ministry of Culture to finally introduce -- since the idea's been kicked around since early 2006, when the present Communist Administration came into being -- its "Office of the Czech Language," complete with Language Inspectors who will walk around the city making spot inspections at various cafes, restaurants, shops, and places of business to ensure that Czech is always paramount and prominently displayed. If a street sign includes both Czech and a non-Czech tongue (since the rest of them are all insignificant, anyways!), its Czech lettering must be at least double the size of the, say, English or German lettering, otherwise a fine shall be sternly levied. A second infractions of this regulation will result in a suspension of business activity for a period of 30 days. A third violation entails a complete dissolution of the s.r.o.

3) Whenever you hear Slovak spoken on our Prague streets, constantly interrupt the Slovak speaker as they mispronounce our distinctly Czech words like "Masarykovo Nabrezi" or "pristi" or "hrbitov." When they say "tri" or "ctyri" in Slovakian without our gorgeous Czech "r," refuse to engage them in conversation. Spank them even, albeit gently, and ideally on the forearm. Force Slovaks to realize the futility of their nation's independent future. Since Slovaks are usually some of the most flagrant violators of Czech Linguistic Purity, responsible for the "Americanization" of our Czech language, to boot -- a retroactive retaliation against we Czechs for keeping the more violent Slovaks at bay during the more than 40 years of "co-habitation" with them -- Czechs must stand shoulder-to-shoulder during this time of dire need.

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What's clear is that the Czech language is under brutal siege.

The pace of our language -- regardless of whether the Czech speaker in question hails from Moravia or Bohemia -- has massively sped up. Czechs are now forced by circumstances to fit more Czech words into an American-paced dubbed sentence during the dubbing of distinctly American TV programs, with the overall effect that this is corrupting our language and culture.

You don't agree with me? (It's permitted, by the way).

Well then have a listen to some of Milada Horakova's recorded trial testimony from 1950 and see exactly what I'm on about. The mellifluous depth of the late Ms. Horakova's Czech speech is peppered with the way Cyril and Methodius would have truly wanted us to converse in our Holy Tongue.

I love America. I love Americans. I support America's Cause in the world. My commitment to them is unswerving.

But my beef with America begins when Americans abroad attempt to impose linguistic hegemony on our Ancient Czech Traditions, our Special Bohemian Ways, and our Holy Czech Culture.

I know it troubles you as well. Stand by me now during this time of danger.



Preji Vam hezky vikend,
Wishing you the best of things,
ADM