Local sales of our favourite brand of cigarettes have plummeted after Milos Zeman revealed that he just cannot give them up. And the sale of pipe tobacco continues to grow…



Come to Marlboro Country

An unbelievable 42 per cent drop (or was it 24 per cent?) in the Czech sales of Marlboro in the third quarter of the year is being blamed on the endorsement of the brand by the people’s president himself.

The owner of a newsagent’s in Prague’s Zizkov district, a part of the city said to be especially popular with smokers, revealed that he had sold “not a single pack of Marlboro to anyone under 12 for at least a week”.

The newsagent, who preferred to remain anonymous, said: “Ever since they heard that Mr. President smokes Marlboro, all the kids want Camel or Luckies. One or two have even taken up a pipe! Whoever heard of a 12 year-old smoking a pipe?! I blame it on the Germans.”

The president has made no secret of the fact that he thinks smoking cigarettes is good for the state budget. His critics have pointed out that this means smokers should take up the habit early on in life to maximize tobacco tax revenue. But he says attempts to restrict the sale of tobacco products are nonsensical and harm Philip Morris (never heard of him).

An internal memo leaked to Respekt magazine appears to confirm the assessment of the Zizkov newsagent. The memo attributes the fall in Marlboro sales to the president’s endorsement of the brand and to the remarkable popularity of old Habsburg noblemen among Czech students.

“The truth of the matter is that the ‘Maybe never fell in love. Be Marlboro’ campaign has boosted sales to younger smokers. It is now being undermined by the president’s (well-meaning) lobbying efforts. Younger customers apparently do not want to be associated with a brand of cigarette smoked by a politician they regard as a dinosaur.”


Maybe never got lung cancer. Be a Maybe.

The memo talks about the role envisaged for a man it calls the ‘Prince’ in the company’s marketing strategy: “We are currently in discussions with the Prince in an effort to persuade him to drop the pipe for a pack of cigarettes. His endorsement is just what we need to boost sales among first time voters.”

The memo goes on to stress that the fall in sales to young smokers has been partly offset by elderly smokers switching to premium brands like Gold Marlboro Original, which cost three times more than discount brands like Moon favoured by people over 90.

However, a senior company manager who has worked in the industry for two weeks, speaking strictly off the record, pointed out that this is not sustainable in the long run.

“The president is right that smokers die sooner than those of us wise enough never to touch the filthy things. We just wish he wouldn’t say so publicly.”

The industry insider provided fascinating insight into why tobacco advertising campaigns are aimed at strong individuals who like to do out of the ordinary things such as to fall in love and to win.

“Every first year student of sociology knows that young people like sex. And every first year student of statistics knows that a single 18 year-old addicted to smoking after sex is worth 1000 addicted 68 year-olds. It’s a no-brainer. It’s not like with politics. Forget about the pensioners. We really need to get young people hooked as soon as possible or we are out of business. It’s that simple.”